The River

"Don't let me throw it all away".

The River tells the story of the unravelling of an important friendship, and what I learned about myself through this loss, and is an ode to one of my most favourite places: the Onkaparinga River.

Me at Perry’s Bend by the Onkaparinga River Taken by my sister on film in June 2024.

I am an emotional and introverted over-thinker, and while outwardly I seem calculated, internally I consider myself to be a human of extremes, often rash in my decision making and the conclusions I come to.

Threw it all into the river 

But I swim for the pieces time and time again

Thought that I would get clearer 

But I’m coming to realise its gonna take its sweet time

The visual metaphor I’m going for in this first verse is that of ripping up paper in a fit of frustration and throwing the pieces into a river (or other body of water of your choice) so they float away and I can be done with them.

But then, almost instantly, the heat cools and doubt creeps in. Was that the right choice? Did I examine every aspect of the situation before I destroyed it? Do I really want to destroy it irreparably? Hold on - I don’t think that’s truly what I want. Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth I go, toying with myself until… I dive into the body of water and scramble for the sodden shreds, piecing them back together and allowing myself yet another moment of reconsideration.

Uneven cobblestones under my feet in this town

Uneasy feeling every time I see you around

I don’t even know how to show up any more

So you catch me off guard, waiting at my front door

(Ooh) I’m so caught up in this

(Ooh) You know I used to see

(Ooh) Nothing but the sun when you stood before me

When something that you consider to be so strong and so sure falls apart, you are left feeling extremely unsettled. This song is specifically about some old friends of mine who I drifted from because I didn’t agree with a situation we all found ourselves in suddenly. It was something that I discussed with my closest friends for a while, sharing our opinions to work out how to proceed, meanwhile the perpetuators were unaware, and continued to insert themselves into my life, making me feel confused and uneasy.

Those people were once important to me, and I know that we used to be very fond of each other, so I try to keep that in mind when I think about how everything played out between us.

Outside of myself

Too far from anyone

So strong in some ways

But I crumble in the every day

All of the songs on my upcoming EP touch on my experience with anxiety in varying degrees. This verse taps into something that fascinates me about my brain: how I can perform songs of the upmost vulnerability in front of a room of people with ease, but I struggle to feel comfortable in smaller social settings. This is another way that I feel that I am a human of great extremes.

Interestingly enough, when I was going through my notebooks and looking for the handwritten origins of the songs I found this, which shows that Pull The Rug and The River started off as the same idea and then split into two songs.

My journal from the start of 2022. PTR and The River merging here.

Nothing here anymore

Let me go, I don’t belong in this space anymore

But keep me in your mind

I hope there’s nothing but the sun

Behind your eyes, when you think of me

Long ago I gave up on expecting an apology

Now I’m the one who’s sorry

I had to throw it all into the river

Here I am speaking to myself, my loved ones, anyone who will listen and help me — don’t let me be rash, save me from myself.

The riff in the bridge is the glue that binds a few ideas from my biggest sonic inspirations. The semi-tonal movement is unsettling and contrasting from what you’ve heard in the song so far. The riff and build of Fleetwood Mac’s “The Chain” was a big inspiration for this section. I love that way it contains a such big shift half way through, when all of the layers drop out to reveal the riff that grounds the entire tune and pulls the listener along into the next section, that in contrast to the first half feels chaotic and free.

Another largely influential piece of music that I’ve come across in the last couple of years is Phoebe Bridgers’ “I Know The End”. I love how this song feels like three rolled into one because of the shifts that occur throughout, and the way that the final section builds and builds and builds until Phoebe screams! It was fun to work in sections, four bars at a time, adding a new layer in each cycle until the climax when everything cuts out and I deliver the line “had to throw it all into the river”.

I love how both of these songs are intricate and calculated from start to finish. Each has an element that has you so hooked you can’t help but return time and time again, and every time you do you hear something new, which is how I want all of my songs to be. I’m really proud of how The River feels like a such a cohesive amalgamation of so much of what I love.

Thanks for reading, and if you’d like to listen to song follow the link below <3

Listen to The River here.